Ask Merriweather

Dear Merriweather,
My boyfriend and I live together as a blended family. He has a five year old son and I have girls that are five and ten. Now we have a baby girl together who is three months old. We’re struggling with how to discipline the kids. They have all been raised with different rules and we are having a difficult time getting everyone on the same page! My boyfriend has the expectation that we can keep the rules/parenting/discipline separate for his boy, my girls and our daughter. HELP!
- Spring

Oh Spring, what a difficult situation you’re in! First and foremost, it’s very important that all the kids have the same rules. When kids have different sets of rules they’re expected to follow it can cause a lot of resentment and frustration. In short, it just doesn’t work. You and your boyfriend will need to sit down and get very clear on exactly what the rules of the household need to be – for everyone. I recommend not having more than ten rules, and having each rule come with a very clear consequence. There are several important things to remember when creating household rules and deciding on the consequences. First of all, don’t send mixed messages! This is one of the reasons that I strongly suggest you have all the kids following the same rules. In order for this to work there must be total CLARITY and CONSISTENCY. Second, with kids those ages, you’re going to want to choose your battles. And by battles, I mean the rules you set – because really your list of rules is a list of the battles you have agreed to choose. When we choose our battles it makes it easier for us to be consistent when enforcing them. I suggest mostly keeping your battles/rules to behavior issues and not worrying so much about little things like what they wear. Third, the most effective way to get a negative behavior to stop is for there to be absolutely no payoff for the child. For instance, when a child gets out of bed repeatedly, they’re doing this for attention. An example of enforcing the bedtime rule with no payoff is to first, return them to bed while nicely stating that it is time for bed. The second time they get out of bed, firmly tell them it is time for bed, and return them to their bed. On the third and any subsequent escapes, the child is silently and immediately returned to bed. At this point, there is no payoff for the child to be up and they will soon learn to stay in bed. Last, remember that because children mimic the behavior of adults, you should try to follow the rules as well. Good luck to you all!
Love Merriweather

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